Dilemmas of Men’s Health’s Lone Wolf.

me, snapping with a web-cam, not dieting!

I am a person on a diet’s worst nightmare. So I heard.

Apparently I eat cake (“Let them eat cake,” for the funny ones amongst you all) in front of everyone on a difficult diet. I never take Gluten seriously. I hate diet-Coke—diet-anything, by that matter. I don’t believe in “this is good food, that is bad food”. Food is food. It’s just what you do with it.

I get that eating a McDonald’s—which I also hate, but that has nothing to do with “oooh, this is truly baaaad food”—mega-mega-mega meal once a day, may cause a heart-attack or two. The way that I know that my smoking-habit might cause serious damage to my health… one day. But all these soccer-moms—sucker-moms—and their weird non-proven wisdom about food really freak me out. And it’s not what they say, it’s the way they say it. They turn everybody who doesn’t follow their motherfucking heathy diet into a serial killer.

And they blog about it, too.

So, as Charlie, I now pronounce this blog, this place, non-gluten-free, full of sugar, red meat, white bread, wine, vodka and cigarettes.

I don’t care you think this place is a den of sin—it probably is, and I’ve been punished for it with skin-cancer—this is a place for living. And not for suffering. Because all these diets make people suffer.
Let me put it this way: sugar-free food is for retards, I don’t think a glass of lemon-infused-water has turned anyone into a model, I love to drink wine, vodka and beer and will continue to do so, jogging softens your buns, and I faint when I enter a gym.



copied from a Google search, still, this is Jelmer
(who does like a gym, apparently)

 

So, this will be me and food (or drinks or other health stuff), inspired by the other anti-health freak I recently discovered—like some forgotten unhealthy ingredient for my fabulous Chili in the local food-store—and it was a pleasure: Jelmer de Boer. (His non-hip-health blog is in Dutch only, unfortunately, so I won't bother you with links here...)

 

Let’s do the quiz!

WHAT WILL YOU DROP FROM YOUR DIET?

What will you have for breakfast? A glass of lemon-infused-water? Or some old fashioned oatmeal?

Quite a dilemma here, since I don’t eat breakfast. I only drink coffee until ten a.m., which is the time I start functioning on a human level. I have morning sickness. I am Ted Bundy in the morning. If I ever kill someone, it’s because of that and it will be somewhere between seven and ten in the morning. I obviously try to be a human being in the early morning for my daughter—you don’t send your kids off to school with a serial-killer trauma; on the other hand: everyone is entitled for his own life-long trauma—but to the rest of the world I’m like the person who invented the term ‘bitch’. However, if I have to choose it’s going to be the lemon-infused-water. Less of an effort. I think I can handle that in the morning.

Drop the chocolate or the wine?

Hello?! The wine obviously. Without chocolate the world makes no sense at all. I can always switch to beer or vodka. But there’s no substitute for chocolate.

Drop the Snapchat or Instagram?

Snapchat. I once installed that app on my phone, didn’t understand one thing of it. Why so fast. Plus, I apparently followed the wrong persons. All I got was dick and tits. And not the prettiest ones. I didn’t get it. I am old. I’m not that fast anymore. Plus: Instagram has some degree of art and function. Snapchat only functions as entertainment. Watch a film on an actual tv. Stop staring at those phones for your entertainment.

Jogging or the gym?

Please! Spare me. It’s useless to improve your body. Why? Why? So you can put it on Snapchat for ten seconds? Some of those gym-types have air for brains. The muscles will deflate once you reach forty anyway. Then you have air for brains and air in your arms. Sounds charming. Sounds exactly like someone I’d like to meet. Plus: you know whose body needs some work? The Earth’s! For instance: the average use of a plastic bag is twelve minutes. They last in the environment for over a thousand years. There’s an average use of plastic bags. That’s approximately ten million a day. Think about that, the next time you drive your car to a gym. Safe the planet if you want to safe something. Your body will only last, what? Eighty years? If you’re lucky. The planet needs some more time than that. Slaughter the plastic bags and their families while they sleep!

Blogging or writing books?

Blogging. Although I think it’s a waste of everyone’s time. But when I want to ventilate a thought or two, I don’t want to write one hundred and seventy pages about it.

No more sugar or no more gluten?

No more gluten. That’s easy. Sugar is in everything. Plus: it tastes good. And then: I don’t have loving memories with gluten—if that’s actually a thing. I do share love-stories, fond memories and anecdotes with sugar. Sugar has made me happy.